What Parents Can Do to Help Prevent Youth Violence

Give your children consistent love and attention. Every child needs a strong, loving, relationship with a parent or other adult to feel safe and secure and to develop a sense of trust.

Communicate openly with your children, and encourage them to talk about all aspects of their lives: school, social activities, and their interests and concerns. Listen respectfully and solicit their opinions. Then, if a problem or crisis arises, they will be more likely to come to you.
Set clear standards for your children's behavior, and be consistent about rules and discipline. Involve your children in the setting of rules whenever possible, and discuss the reasons for rules with them. Make sure they understand what you expect and the consequences for disobedience, and then enforce rules consistently.

Make sure your children are supervised. Insist on knowing where your children are at all times and who their friends are. Try to get to know their friends' parents and your children's teachers. Encourage your children to participate in supervised after-school activities such as sports teams, tutoring programs, or organized recreation.

Promote peaceful resolutions to conflict by being a good role model. Deal with conflict at home calmly, considerately and quickly and manage your anger without violence. Talk with your children about handling disagreements, and help your children learn how to examine and find non-aggressive solutions to problems.

Talk with your children about the consequences of drug and weapon use, gang participation, and violence. Explain in detail how getting involved with these can result in injury, jail, even death. Also, make sure that all weapons are kept out of the reach of children.

Limit your children's exposure to violence in the media. Monitor the programs your children watch, the music they listen to, and the video games they play. Take time to watch television programs with your children and discuss any violence with them. Is the violence realistic? What would be the real-life consequences of such violence?

Try to limit your children's exposure to violence in the home or community. Work toward making your home a safe, nonviolent place, and always discourage violent behavior or hostile, aggressive arguments between family members. If the people in your home physically or verbally hurt and abuse each other, get help from a psychologist or counselor in your community. If your children are exposed to violence in the street, at school, or at home, they may need help in dealing with these frightening experiences. A psychologist, a counselor at school, or a member of the clergy, are among those who can help them cope with their feelings.

Take the initiative to make your school and community safer.

• Join up with other parents, through school and neighborhood associations, religious organizations, civic groups, and youth activity groups.
• Talk together about your concerns about youth in the community, including issues related to alcohol, drugs, and violence, and share your common parenting concerns.
• Support the development and implementation of school and community plans to address the needs of youth.

Parent Participation Helps Prevent Violence

When we are committed and involved in our children's lives, we can teach them, by example and discussion, how to avoid violent situations.

Although we are not present during school time, parents a key players in promoting school safety. When parents take an interest in school work, participate in school events, teach their children how to manager anger, or talk with their children about rules at school and home, they are helping to provide their children with alternatives to violence.

Youth gangs are responsible for much of the serious violence in the United States. In schools and neighborhoods where they are active, they create a climate of fear and increase the amount of violence and criminal behavior. Parents can take action to prevent their children from participating in gangs.

After school and other community programs not only give our children safety and supervision when we're not there; they also help them develop their skills and abilities. Finding good after school and other community programs for our children is worth the effort. Many resources are also available online to assist parents interested in starting their own programs to prevent youth involvement in violence, drug use or other delinquent behaviors.

Youth Violence Warning Signs

By Marcus Mottley, Ph.D.

Since the violent tragedy that occurred on Monday, I have had a lot of requests for information on what parents can do about school violence.

Today's article will feature some warning signs that parents and other adults should look for:

Youth Violence Warning Signs
Researchers have identified a number of warning signs that suggest that a child may be at risk for violent behavior. The presence of one or more of the following increases the risk of violent or dangerous behavior:

• past violent or aggressive behavior (including uncontrollable angry outbursts)
  access to weapons
• bringing a weapon to school
• past suicide attempts or threats
• family history of violent behavior or suicide attempts
• blaming others and/or unwilling to accept responsibility for one's own actions
• recent experience of humiliation, shame, loss, or rejection
• bullying or intimidating peers or younger children
• a pattern or history of making threats to harm others or self
• being a victim of abuse or neglect (physical, sexual, or emotional)
• witnessing abuse or violence in the home
• themes of death or depression repeatedly evident in conversation, written expressions, reading selections, or artwork
• preoccupation with themes and acts of violence in TV shows, movies, music, magazines, comics, books, video games, and Internet sites
• mental illness, such as depression, mania, psychosis, or bipolar disorder
• use of alcohol or illicit drugs
• disciplinary problems at school or in the community (delinquent behavior)
• past destruction of property or vandalism
• cruelty to animals
• firesetting behavior
• poor peer relationships and/or social isolation
• involvement with cults or gangs.
• little or no supervision or support from parents or other caring adult

The above warning signs do not stand in isolation. Generally, one event is not enough to warrant any serious concern. the greater the number of these warning signs present, the greater the risk. It is important to realize, however, that many children exhibit these warning signs and never resort to violence. Even so, these signs can be a cue that something is wrong, and the individual needs help.

Parents, teachers, coaches, social workers, and clinicians should look for patterns of on-going behavior involving multiple warning signs.

Family Therapy as Prevention

WebMd Health News reports that when kids or teens face conduct disorders, substance abuse or other problems, family therapy may help.

In family therapy, one or both parents attend therapy with the troubled child. Other kids in the family don’ have to attend.

Researcher Allan Josephson, MD says there is “abundant evidence” that family therapy can often make a big difference in six areas: conduct disorders, substance abuse, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and understanding attention problems.

Conduct disorders are serious violations of age-appropriate behavior that often involve physical aggression, property destruction, and truancy, says Josephson. He continues that “There’s no question that in this spectrum of family influence, conduct disorders clearly need family intervention and it's one of the more successful things when it's consistently applied,”

“It's very difficult to set limits without a child feeling secure,” says Josephson. “Most clinicians that work very intensively with these problems will have a situation where a parent says, “Fix the kid,”. The kid says, ‘Well, why should I come in on time? Why should I stop using drugs? He or she has never done a damn thing for me.’” Josephson notes that he has had that quoted to him directly.

When the parent signs on for family therapy, that’s a strong signal to the child, he notes. “The parent demonstrates their commitment to the child and the kid finally thinks, ‘Maybe I should go along with this,’” says Josephson.

According to Josephson and others, engaging parents in the treatment process and reducing the toxicity of the negative family environment can contribute to better treatment engagement, retention, compliance, effectiveness, and maintenance of goals.


Drug Prevention or Treatment

Family therapy helps kids quit using drugs, stay in drug treatment, and avoid related problems like truancy, says Josephson, citing “at least 12-14 well-designed studies.”

Parents who strongly show disapproval of illegal drug use also helps. He notes. “This is what these public information announcements in the last few years of parents as the ‘antidrug’ are about,” says Josephson.

I would go much further than Josephson. Parents who show a strong disapproval of any drug use are those that send a strong ‘anti-drug’ message to children. If a parent is sitting on the couch every night drinking a six pack of beer and watching TV – what kind of message is that sending? And can that parent then turn around and demand that their kids don’t drink? Parents must portray drug and alcohol use as dangerous for everyone and particularly life threatening for children.

Family therapy involves both parents and the individual child. Parents must be committed and demonstrate that commitment by full involvement in the therapeutic intervention. Family therapy can also serve as a strong therapeutic prevention initiative for children who are already demonstrating interest in anti-social activities or who have started to exhibit negative behaviors.

Family therapy in this context has not only a therapeutic goal, but an educative one as well. Therapists educate both parents and children about the impact of drug and alcohol use and how to deal with the individual, family and social climates and conditions which may lead to drug and alcohol use.

If you or your family is interested in family therapy as an intervention, find an experienced clinician who is both treatment and prevention oriented.

She Has Found Her Voice

Nurturing Our Children’s Talents

By Marcus M. Mottley, Ph.D.

I am sitting here at the car dealership having my car serviced. Of course, I am expecting not ‘sticker shock’ but ‘bill shock’!

It is 8:40 a.m. and those of us in the waiting room are being informed and entertained by the CBS Morning Show.

First there was LL Cool J who has teamed up with Subway Restaurant to promote their new ‘healthy meals’ message. Amazingly, he gave away a bicycle to a member of the outside audience!

Then the host of the show introduces a young, petite girl who can’t be older than twelve. Her name is Madeline Edwards of Goldsboro, North Carolina. She is a classical singer and she is about to sing us one of those… I guess 18^th Century Mozart pieces...

Oh well… boring… I yawn, take my eyes off the TV and continue thumbing through and scanning the sports pages of the Washington Post.

And then she begins to sing! For the next three minutes I am mesmerized and transfixed!

First, that is not her voice… Nope! Impossible! That voice could not be coming from that tiny, petite, small… figure. This is not the voice of a twelve year old. It is not the voice of an eighteen year old!

This is the voice of a seasoned adult classical singing superstar. Absolutely… This is the equivalent of Pavarotti, Ella Fitzgerald, Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods all rolled into this small girl.

Everything is there… tone, control of vocal variety, pitch control, presence and poise, delivery… If she is this good now… how much better can she get?

Wow… Wow!

Her proud parents were standing on the side just as mesmerized as everyone else… on the set and off the set… and out of the set!

Folks I can tell you this. That young girl is going to be busy for the next few years…practicing and perfecting her art. She will not be involved in negative, anti-social activities. She is already busy… fine tuning her voice… not that I could tell that it needed to be fine tuned…

Are her parents lucky? I don’t know how much effort they have had to put in to help her ‘find her voice’! I don’t know how much time and effort they have put in taking her back and forth to music practice. I don’t know how much money they have put into paying for her lessons.

What I do know is that having found out what she loves to do and what she is good at doing… they are fully committed to helping her getting better. As a parent myself, I know that I try to do everything I can to help my sons find their natural talents – to find that one or two or three things for which they may have that extra inclination or special love for.

And, that is hard to find. Although her parents are lucky… I am sure that it is not easy for them.

For the rest of us, our children may never be the Louis Armstrong, Maya Angelou or Martina Navratilova at soccer, poetry writing or Mathematics. But it is in helping them search for and find the things they love and things in which they have special interest or inclinations where the real journey to success is. Though this journey is hard… it is the journey where they are most likely to find themselves.

And most importantly, while they are on the journey to finding themselves… they are going to be busy… very busy. They will not have much time to get involved in antisocial activities. Their exposure to negative peer pressure… though still present… will be lessened by their focus on positive things and by being surrounded by positive and supportive people.

Madeline Edwards’ parents have helped her to find her voice… literally.

Our job as parents is just that: Take our children on a journey of finding their talents and keeping them busy while doing that. This is one of the secrets of successful parents and successful young adults and teenagers that I reveal in my Book on CD (also downloadable as an E-book). You may get it at www.Prevent-Drug-Abuse.com

By the way… it was obvious that Madeline was extremely excited and having a lot of fun while she mesmerized her TV audience.

Teenage Drinking: A Rite of Passage?

Some parents, teens and young adults continue to hold the basic philosophy that underage drinking, or teen drinking parties to celebrate special events like graduation, are simply a rite of passage. You will hear parents say, "Kids are going to drink anyway, so why not in a safe environment?" Although this may be the parent’s goal, it is too often not the case.

While some parents will say that they will take the car keys to prevent drinking and driving, the liability a parent assumes for allowing an underage drinking party at their home, during which someone gets hurt or killed during or after alcohol consumption, is monumental.

There are many cases of teens getting drunk at an underage house party, driving drunk and getting killed. In a recent incident, one teen from the Boston area had a second set of car keys and decided to leave the party. He drove drunk and was killed. Another student found the keys hidden by parents earlier in the evening after the parents fell asleep, drove off and was killed. In Maine, a drunk teen became so angry at a teen drinking party that he punched a window, severing his artery. He died on the front porch.

While six to eight drinks may have been considered a heavy night of drinking during a parent’s teenage years that is just a starting point for many of our teens. Modern-day underage drinking parties boast kegs or multiple cases of beer. As many as 14 drinks in one sitting by teens are not unusual. Teens drink for one reason at such parties: to get drunk.

What’s more, today’s underage drinking parties occur much less in the woods or in a car. Ninety-five percent of the time, kids choose to party in homes - the homes of their parents or their friends’ parents. In addition to parents’ homes, many underage drinking parties are taking place at the residences of young adults.

For many teenagers, drinking and getting drunk… real drunk… seems to have become a rite of passage. If that is the case, it is a rite that has also become a passage into a dark lifelong journey of alcoholism and later… in many cases… drug addiction.

Parents Make A Difference

Here are some basics facts that highlight this issue about the influence that parents have on their teens:

• The three leading causes of death among adolescents — unintentional injuries, homicide, and suicide — as well as unsafe sexual behavior are closely yoked to alcohol use.
• A study of adolescents’ emergency room visits found that 40% had a positive blood alcohol level.
• A major national study found that 40% of parents think they have little influence over their adolescent’s decision to use drugs or not.
• Approximately 45 percent of parents indicate that it is likely their teens will use illegal drugs.
• By the age of 17 approximately 12 percent of adolescents can be categorized as at risk for substance abuse.
• There is a genetic component associated with the presence of alcohol or drug dependence.
• In the same way that diabetes, or hypertension, or breast cancer can run in families, so too is this true of alcohol or drug dependence.
• Adolescents consistently have a very inaccurate perception of actual alcohol and drug use patterns. For example, one study found that high school students thought that twice as many of their peers were regular weekly drinkers than was actually the case.

Appreciate Your Influence

Parental influence operates as a natural harm-reduction mechanism that helps protect teenage drinkers from developing alcohol problems.

Parents influence their children’s drinking through family interactions, modeling and reinforcing standards, and attitudes that children learn and use to guide their behavior in new situations. Thus, parental influences endure.

An important predictor of whether a teenage boy will have an alcohol related driving offense or accident, is whether his parents are negative (rather than neutral) about teenage drinking.

The quality of family relationships and the amount of time adolescents spend with family is a more important influence on adolescent’s substance use than is the kind of family in which teenagers are living, whether it is with both parents, a parent or step-parent, in a single parent home, or live with non-family members.

Adolescents’ perceptions of the parenting style in their home are linked to their substance use. Teens who view their parents generally as authoritative (know what they are talking about), as not permissive (who have standards and clear expectations), and as less authoritarian (“do it because I say so”) do better in school and also are less likely to use substances.

Experimentation and use among elementary age children is associated with parenting styles that encourage risk taking, by parent's substance use.

Adolescent drinking behavior is found to be largely unrelated to the socio-economic circumstances of the family. A supportive family environment is associated with lowered rates of alcohol use.

Parents’ health habits influence their children. This goes from wearing bike helmets, to using seat belts, to drinking patterns and being a smoker. The younger the child the more powerful is the parent’s model.

If you have any concern about your own substance use, act on this. People don't often worry about their alcohol or drug use needlessly. If you are a smoker, maybe now is the time to quit.

Get Stack The Deck: How to Drug & Alcohol Proof Your Child
www.Prevent-Drug-Abuse.com

Parenting for Prevention

How do I, as a parent, start Parenting for Prevention?

Choose ‘teachable moments’ to discuss drugs and alcohol - instigate a discussion (not a lecture) around a TV program, news story or advertisement... talk about prevention in the context of how the media portrays smokers and drinkers as smart, beautiful sophisticated and compare this to reality. Remember this is drug prevention for parents

Ensure that your children realize that not ‘everybody’ is doing drugs and drinking. We know that if adolescents perceive drugs use to be more prevalent than it really is they are more likely to try drugs themselves - so set them right! This is the core of drug prevention for parents.

Improve your listening skills. Watch for body language, give non-verbal encouragement, use the right tone of voice to encourage children to share their worries, do not use sarcasm and do not humiliate the child. Drug prevention for parents is a full time job. Treat it as such.

When discipline is necessary remember to criticize the action, not the child. Try to make any punishment appropriate to the behavior - for example coming home later than expected could mean the curfew being earlier the next week. Think carefully before declaring what any discipline is to be - and stick to it.

Build self-esteem - set realistic targets, give real responsibility, praise any achievements or improvements - especially if the child does not make the A grade! These are the strategies that “Drug and Alcohol Proof Your Child” recommends as drug prevention for parents.

Get Stack The Deck: How to Drug & Alcohol Proof Your Child
www.Prevent-Drug-Abuse.com

Signs of Drug Use

What should I, a parent, look for?
What are some of the signs and symptoms of drug use?

Many parents are worried that their child may begin using drugs. There are stories in the media which swing from shock, horror, addiction and death to so-called debates about the legalization of cannabis - which is said by some to be harmless.

What are parents to believe?

They are right to be concerned - drug use should be taken very seriously. This article sets out to give some factual information for parents - about the signs of drug use and the symptoms of drug use and also about prevention of drug use.

Sometimes parents will notice things which on their own mean nothing - but the following things have all been recognized by parents whose child has subsequently been found to be using drugs. These signs and symptoms of drug use are the real deal.

Phone Calls. Teenagers and the telephone usually mean long phone calls - does your child hang around’ the phone sometimes and pick it up as soon as it rings… replies very briefly and then leaves the house - returning after a short time. This can often be a dealer friend phoning to say that they are nearby with some drugs. This is one of the first signs of drug use.

Bedrooms. Do you often find the windows open even on cold days ? Lots of air-freshener being used? This can be to disguise the smell of cannabis being smoked in the room. This is another one of the signs of drug use.

Money. Does your child never seem to have money nowadays? Do you notice that valuable things seem to be missing - cameras, jewellery etc. Drug users often sell items to buy drugs - at first their own but later they may steal from the family. Disappearing money or valuable items is another warning sign of drug use. It can also be a symptom of drug use.

Language. Users do not speak of “using drugs” - they will say someone “does drugs” - watch for words like gear, deals, straight, clean, munchies, clucking, - and slang terms for drugs. Get to know the language… certain words and phrases are clear signs of drug use or drug involvement.

If you are worried that your child may be involved with drugs it is important not to ignore matters. Of course it is better to try to prevent use at the first sign and symptom of drug use - and research has shown the following:

Parents who are too strict or too easy-going are more likely to have children who use drugs. Firm, fair and age-appropriate discipline is best.

Families should eat together and have regular family meetings’ where things like holidays, pocket-money, chores, curfew times are discussed. Each family member should be allowed to contribute and should be listened to. This is a critical step in drug prevention and is a critical response to any first sign of drug use.

Any infringement of agreed rules (such as home by 11.00 p.m.) should be dealt with in a consequential way. Punishments should be made to fit the incident. From babyhood parents should agree together on standards of behavior - if you say it you must mean it! Although staying out late is not by itself a sign of drug use, when other things are factored in, parents should take heed.

Celebrate and praise! Parents should have a simple rule of thumb - for each time you need to criticize you should subsequently praise at least twice for behavior which you want repeated. Celebrate any small improvements and see the child blossom. These are good drug prevention strategies.

Is your teen less responsible ... comes home from school late, forgets family occasions, ignores requests to help with chores, uses bad language, becomes argumentative and tells parents “don’t hassle me”? Again, when these are added to other factors, they may present a warning sign of drug use… or maybe a symptom of the effects of drug use.

Clothes, music, hair styles ... do they now wear totally different clothes and hair styles ...listen to different music, become less interested in academic work and demand permission to stay out later and to have more ‘privacy’?

Is communication more difficult... does your child refuse to talk about new friends, go ‘out’ without saying where they are going; tend to defend the ‘recreational’ use or legalization of drugs when the topic is discussed on TV or radio; declares teachers are unfair; defends the ‘rights’ of children and talk about the ‘bad habits’ of adults who use alcohol or smoke cigarettes?

Physical changes ... has your child lost weight, changed sleep patterns - cannot sleep till early hours of morning, cannot wake up in the morning, increased appetite for sweet snacks, very thirsty, becomes very forgetful and seems to have lost all motivation for exams, or future careers?

Parents must be very aware of what’s happening with teens… particularly when looking for signs and symptoms of drug use.

Get Stack The Deck: How to Drug & Alcohol Proof Your Child
www.Prevent-Drug-Abuse.com

Be There for Teens: A Guide for Parents

Parents of teenagers describe the teen years as a time of change, fear, rebellion, moodiness, disrespect, and frustration. But they also say it can be a time of fun, growth, adventure, sharing, understanding, and learning. Research shows that one of the best things you can do for your teen is simply to be there for them.

Here are ten tips to help you focus on the positive and build a stronger and more enjoyable relationship with your teens:

1. Tell your teens that you love them and show them through your actions.

Teens need to know that you love them. Never assume that they know. Tell them often and show them by giving them space to grow, succeed, and even to make mistakes they can learn from. When they make mistakes or do things that upset you, it's still important to let them know you love them. Try saying things like, "I love you, it's your behavior I don't like."

2. Give your teens the gifts of time and attention.

Be there for your teens. Take an active interest in their activities (go to their sports events, school functions, music performances) and try to include them in yours. Set aside specific times for one-on-one activities and give them your undivided attention. If your teens want to talk and you are in the middle of something, try to stop what you are doing and listen.

3. Want to know what your teens are doing? Learn to listen and listen to learn.

Getting your teens to talk to you can be hard. One way to get them talking is to ask questions that lead to more than a "yes/no" answer, and then listen when they talk. Ask them how they feel and help them to describe what they are feeling. Every day you can find times for talking with your kids (at the dinner table, in the car), but you may also want to set aside special times for one-on-one conversations. In any case, be ready to listen when they are ready to talk. When you listen, the reward may be that they will talk to you even more about the things that are important to them. Also, listen to other people involved in your kids' lives (their teachers, coaches, friends, parents of their friends). They can all tell you something about your kids that you may not know.

4. Set an example. You're the greatest influence on your child's life.

Be the kind of person you want your teenager to be. Talk to your teen about what you believe and what you expect of him or her. Show that you are responsible for your actions and keep the promises you make to your teen. Then set a good example. Remember, kids learn by watching.

5. Parenting is a tough job. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Being a parent can be hard work. As your children grow and learn, you are also growing and learning as a parent. Don't be afraid to admit there are things you don't know or understand. Talking to friends, other parents, or your own parents can be helpful. Asking for help only means that you are trying to be the best parent you can be.

6. Set rules and live by them.

Part of your job as a parent is to create a safe environment for your kids. Even though teens won't say it, limits actually make them feel safe and loved. To create a safe environment, tell your kids what is acceptable behavior and help them to develop self-control. Sit together as a family to set rules and discuss what happens if they are broken. Talk about why the rules should be followed, and once they are set, work together to live by them.

7. Talk to your teens, even about uncomfortable things.

Talking about uncomfortable things such as feelings, relationships, sex, or drugs can be hard. Your teens may act like they know everything, but don't be fooled. It is your job as a parent to help them learn how to handle difficult situations. So, be ready-know the facts and what you want to say. Sometimes you won't have the answers to your kids' questions. That's okay. Just be honest and tell them when you don't have the answer. Then go find it together.

8. Praise your teens. Tell them when they are doing a good job.

Praise your teens for the good things they do. Be specific about what you are praising them for and give your praise as soon as they earn it. For example, instead of saying "you're a good kid," tell your teen, "I am proud of the way you handled that situation this morning." Telling them you're proud helps build self-esteem and is more effective than criticism.

9. Help your teens set goals.

Encourage your teens to think beyond today. Get them talking about the future, what they want for themselves and what it will take to achieve their plans. Show your teens that you support their goals by being there to guide their decisions. Most importantly, expect your kids to succeed.

10. Remember, you're the parent, they're the teens.

No one ever said that raising kids is easy. There will be times when you will have to make difficult decisions concerning your teens-decisions they won't like. But remember, they are teens, not adults, and they still need your help and guidance in handling all the problems and feelings they face.

Get Stack The Deck: How to Drug & Alcohol Proof Your Child
www.Prevent-Drug-Abuse.com